Monkey toes and Punk Rock Hair

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Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

Today is my Arrival Day. Some twenty six years ago I arrived in America. Now some twenty six years later I sit in Korea pondering things. In a way it feels like I’ve come full circle, or that I have completed a cycle. I find life utterly ironic. So, I find the symbolism around today also very ironic. Irony bites(literally). Why is the end of this cycle ironic?

Ever since I arrived in Korea the perennial question is “Do you speak Korean?” and when I say “No.“, the question is then, “Why not?” which is followed with, “I’m adopted.” and the comes, ”Are you going to find your mother?” All natural questions. The answer to the question is, “No.” Why? I’m here, right why not find her. Because some times people don’t want to be found. I’m not going to actively search for her. I am thinking of writing her a letter and seeing if I can leave it in my file(where ever that is) and if she comes looking for me then she could contact me. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. How can I put this? As much as it sucked at times, as much as it’s hurt, as much as I wonder, it was the right decision.

So, I sit here and write a first draft to a woman I may never know but to whom I owe so much. To my Mother(or at least one of them).

Dear Mother:

Hello. My name is Kate Pan Soon X. I was born Kim Pan Soon. I don’t believe you named me, but that was my birth name for nine months of my life until I became Kate X. For nine months of my life you bore me, you gave me life, and by giving me up you gave me a better life. I would like to thank you for giving me this life. I do not know the circumstances of my conception, but I can imagine that your situation was not an easy one. Nor do I know what circumstances and reasons weighed into your decision to give me up for adoption. I would just like to say you made the right choice. As I’ve learned sometime the right choice is the hard choice. It is a choice that affected both of our lives. I hope you have never regretted your choice and your life has been a full one. As a result of your choice I was gifted with a wonderful family and I’ve been blessed with a life full of opportunities.

I should probably tell you a little about my life. . .(bio. omited) My family and friends are great and I miss them very much. I’ve been blessed with many caring people who have enriched my life while shaping who I am today. In a way I have you to thank for them.

I am writing this letter on April 11th 2006 twenty six years after arriving in America. I am currently working in Korea, just outside of Seoul. I came to Korea to find out more about Korea and Korean culture. It has been an interesting experience for me, a learning and growing experience. Being in Korea made me consider if I should try and find you. In the end I decided that I shouldn’t. Why? Because, I didn’t know if you wanted to found. So instead I am writing this letter to be placed in my file in case you ever decide to come looking for me. I want you to know I’m doing well as a result of your choice. If you would ever like to contact me, please feel free to. I would love to get to know you and find out how you are doing. I am enclosing my contact information in case you would like to contact me. Once again I would like to say thank you. I hope your life has been blessed as mine has. Best wishes.

Sincerely,
Kate X

As I write this letter I realize that I’m a liar. Part of the reason I don’t want to find my mother, is I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t want to find a mother who doesn’t want me again. Who chooses not to have me in her life. Who chooses not to want me. I can understand why she made her choice, but at the same time it hurts. So, part of the reason is I’m also a coward. There are some things I would like to say in this letter that are neither appropriate or just. As a child, I would wonder why didn’t she love me? If only life were that simple. I no longer wonder what my life would be like if I had been kept by her. I would make a poor Korean woman, and if she had kept me I wouldn't be me. And I rather like being me(even if I’m a bit of a fuck up at times). Her decision was the right one; I know that now.

It’s late and I’m sick so I’m not totally sure I am making sense. I’m not sure what I am trying to say right now. I’m tired. Maybe what I’m trying to convey is the fact that life is wonderful and we should be thankful, even for the pain because the pain is part of us, if forms who we are like a chisel carving marble. Being adopted hasn’t been easy(although to be honest not being adopted has been difficult for others). Like everyone, adopted or not, there were days when I screamed in pain wishing for another life; dreaming of what it would be like to be someone else, anyone else to escape the pain. But the pain made me. Her choice hurt me, but in all truth it was a self inflicted wound. We never do some much damage as we do to ourselves. Or at least that is what we like to believe. Hopefully at the end of all of this time we call a life it will all even out, that the pain we inflict is equaled with the love we give. That would be wonderful. Look at the funny baby picture. And smile. Laugh if you can.

Much love and best wishes,
Kate