Relationships

I suck at relationships. Really, I’m no good at them. Maybe because I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with them(like most people do). I’d love to be in love, but at the same time I am terrified of being hurt. What is love but pain? Love is not the rosy thing told of in fairy tales. When I was girl, I think I thought of love as the answer to all my problems. I dreamed of a shining white knight who would come and rescue me from my life, making everything story book perfect. I think I loved the abstract not the concrete. Because when reality came knocking, I wasn’t about to open the door. I remember this guy asking me out. I thought he was joking. Needless to say, I didn’t go out with him or anyone else for a long time. Thus beginning the trend of thinking men were not interested in me, since what is there to be interested in.

I didn’t date in high school. There was one guy I had a crush on but it ended in a fiasco which cemented some (dis)trust issues. I didn’t really consider dating in high school. I didn’t think anyone was interested, nor was I really. I considered myself too different to date.Who would want to date me? I also didn’t want to get close to anyone. I think I was a bit of a closed door to my friends. I never let them in, which is why we’re probably not friends now. By high school I had already learned, that love meant pain. Loving, letting someone in meant that some one had the power to hurt you. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I wanted to be independent. I used to have a hard time asking people for help or even letting them in. I wanted to rely on no one.

I went to college, with no purpose beyond this was where I was supposed to be. I ended up not getting into relationships, but at the same time wanting to feel wanted. I was actually quite oblivious to guys(ask my friends). At the same time, I was still not letting people in. The person to get the closest was Xee. Because I didn’t let people in or me out, I ended up depressed, fell to pieces and got kicked out of college. I went home, which quite honestly was the last place I wanted to be. It turned out it was exactly where I need to be. The next two years were not the greatest of years for me, but I am glad I was home for them. After two years, I headed back to school, because that was where I wanted to be. I wasn’t the same girl. I ended up starting a long term relationship with a good guy. He was fucked from the beginning. I wasn’t used to letting some one in. It could be argued I never really did let him all the way in. He would say he never knew where he stood with me, or how I was feeling. To be honest, sometimes I didn’t know how I was feeling. It’s not like anyone ever had asked or cared before, about how I was feeling. I ended the relationship, which was the right thing to do. It wasn’t because I was afraid of getting hurt, but because it wasn’t working, it wasn’t what I needed.

I’m not sure what I need, but I know more and more what I feel I need. I learned to trust my friends even more after that. I have some great friends, who have been there for me these past years. I don’t know what I would do without them. At the same time, when it came to letting someone in, or more precisely the possibility of letting some one in, I got scared. The old wounds had surfaced, raw, and bleeding. So, instead of waiting of gangrene to set in, I cut off the limb. I ran to the woods for shelter. So, now I don’t want to be alone, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship. At the same time, that’s what I want. I want to find someone to let in. It’s probably not going to happen anytime soon. It isn’t going to be easy. I’ll probably still be scared witless(since I tend to be stupid about relationships). At the same time, I don’t want to travel through this world alone, so I‘ll bare the pain that comes with the joy and I‘ll open the door. Ah, if only it was that easy.

This blog was supposed to be about my adventures in Korea, but it’s turned into adventures in Kate. I guess this blog has become a medium for me to express how I’m feeling and thinking. Way too much time in suburbia. Sorry about this. Hopefully, the next post will be more Korea related.