Glory, glory, behold my birthday "cake"!
We were upstairs, when this glowing "cake" was brought up. It was great. There is a Krispy Kreme down the street from Route 66 where we were drinking. Lovely. People came out and hopefully all had a good time. I did. It was a good low key night of talking, food, drinks, and most importantly of friends.
Techinically, it still is my birthday in the States, which is kind of nice to think about. It's like your birthday is a weekend, rather than just a day. I've gotten lots of nice e-mails from people, so thank you for the warm thoughts. What is even better was not sent but posted.*Warning: not a cheery post until the last bit.
My brother, Jeremy, also has a blog(link below the flickr badge or click on the title). The thing about my family is we don't communicate especially well with each other. We tend to do well when it's a one on one conversation, but throw more of us into the mix and it changes. We don't really do well in groups, maybe because the last time we were all together was the Easter of 2001, and we were all sitting in a line and in a prison. Not really the best place to have heart to hearts. The thing is we have all changed a great deal over time, alot of things have changed us too.
So, Jeremy and I both have a blog in which we occassionally write about our family, our family past and how we feel about our family. The strange thing is we tend to do this communcation, indirectly. Maybe it's easier for us this way. I know writing makes me feel better, to have it out(which is why some of my posts are truly written sh*t). Thus today's entery(which is about me) was great, because it allowed me to read about how he feels and then have the time to process it. It was good for me to know. I'm glad he did it even if I have to admit these things:
1) Yes, I was a loud mouth spoiled brat. I was Daddy's little girl. I was punished by Mom more than by Dad(sometimes at Dad's insistance). The interesting thing is by the time I hit junior high and high school, I wasn't loud outside of the house. And, I was no longer spoiled, actually I was punished often for not being home. I would have to come home for no reason other than they wanted me home, not to talk to me or to spend time with me(since by high school we didn't talk and we didn't spend time together). Let's say things were very different when you went to college. Dad lost his little sidekick and he wasn't always nice about it. (And yes, Dad does read these when he has internet access.)
2) Yes, I was more active outside of house in extra activities, and yes it was to escape home. School and activities, kept me busy. They gave me people whom I could spend time with and not get hurt by. I was not open, so I made no really intimate friends. I'm thankful for the friends I did have though, they were great. Especially, Amy, Theresa, Lindsey and Helen my senior year. With out them I probably wouldn't have made it through high school. On my eighteenth birthday, I was afraid I might be kicked out so I made arrangements with Theresa to stay with her parents if I was since they ran a home for single mothers. Sorry, not a fun post, but it gets better in a good way. So hold on.
3) As for the lost years, they were the dark years. And yes you did miss them for good or bad. We all changed alot in those years. Alot of us came out of them with scars, but we are growing from what we learned and we are no longer silent. So most importantly we have changed into better people, and in the end I think a better family. This is still an on going process but isn't everything.
4) It was good getting to know you at Beloit College. I was actually worried about going there, because I wasn't sure if you wanted me there. It wasn't until you said is was okay, that I felt I should go. It was a good year, and seeing you again this year was good too. Things happened between us, some not so nice, but that was long ago. It's nice now to remember the fun times at Beloit, like Christmas caroling, it made me remember the Jeremy who would invent games for us to play as kids, who tried to teach us Spanish in our basement, who I jumped up and down with on a bunk bed pretending we were going down the river in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." I like those memories.
5) I'm a history major to the core. As a historian, I like looking back at things and fliping them over in my head. What comes out of this is that irony really does rule the world. I was invisible, but at the same time what made me invisible also made me a target. As visiable and vocal as I was as a child I changed into being invisiable and silent. I wanted to escape home, but when things went really bad that was where I was and where I needed to be. I never had much of a relationship with Mom growing up, but as a grown up we now have a very close relationship. Dad, whom I spent some much time trailing after, is the one family member I have the most complicated relationship with(you'd think it would be Josh). You say, I received less of Dad's wrath, but it was me who had to step up to Dad when his wrath was injustly applied to others. Something, I should have done more off.
I have regrets from my childhood. Sometimes I wish I had done more for Josh. If I had spoken to him more, given him more attention, been a sister maybe he wouldn't be where he is today. But, I didn't I ran away, to school, to activities, to college. I was so hurt by what he had done, that I couldn't forgive him and I couldn't be there when I should have been. I probably should have been there more for Paul too, who was so silent in his suffering and still is. I wish I could say I've been a good sister, but the thing about being the only sister is you are both the good sister and the bad sister by default.
Here's the silver lining. I love my family. As much crap that has happened, in a way it needed to happen. We are much better for it, because we have chosen not to remain silent any more, not to be distant, not to run away(well as much). I miss my family so much. I can't wait to see my Mom, and hug her. I can't wait to bug Lee. I can't wait to sit down with Paul and see what he is doing(since he doesn't e-mail). Unfortunatly, I won't be able to see Jeremy and Jenevieve before they go, but I'm glad they are going to see Mom and the rest of the family.
And the rest of the family are my friends who I am eternally grateful for and miss too. That's the great thing about being adopted, family isn't blood it people who have been with you during the shitty time and the good times. So, thanks family. I love you all!!!!
I'm twenty seven. I've hated life. I love life. I've cried through part of this and I'm happy, because I am blessed. But don't think I'm satisfied. ; ) I still want more!!
Have a good day.
Techinically, it still is my birthday in the States, which is kind of nice to think about. It's like your birthday is a weekend, rather than just a day. I've gotten lots of nice e-mails from people, so thank you for the warm thoughts. What is even better was not sent but posted.*Warning: not a cheery post until the last bit.
My brother, Jeremy, also has a blog(link below the flickr badge or click on the title). The thing about my family is we don't communicate especially well with each other. We tend to do well when it's a one on one conversation, but throw more of us into the mix and it changes. We don't really do well in groups, maybe because the last time we were all together was the Easter of 2001, and we were all sitting in a line and in a prison. Not really the best place to have heart to hearts. The thing is we have all changed a great deal over time, alot of things have changed us too.
So, Jeremy and I both have a blog in which we occassionally write about our family, our family past and how we feel about our family. The strange thing is we tend to do this communcation, indirectly. Maybe it's easier for us this way. I know writing makes me feel better, to have it out(which is why some of my posts are truly written sh*t). Thus today's entery(which is about me) was great, because it allowed me to read about how he feels and then have the time to process it. It was good for me to know. I'm glad he did it even if I have to admit these things:
1) Yes, I was a loud mouth spoiled brat. I was Daddy's little girl. I was punished by Mom more than by Dad(sometimes at Dad's insistance). The interesting thing is by the time I hit junior high and high school, I wasn't loud outside of the house. And, I was no longer spoiled, actually I was punished often for not being home. I would have to come home for no reason other than they wanted me home, not to talk to me or to spend time with me(since by high school we didn't talk and we didn't spend time together). Let's say things were very different when you went to college. Dad lost his little sidekick and he wasn't always nice about it. (And yes, Dad does read these when he has internet access.)
2) Yes, I was more active outside of house in extra activities, and yes it was to escape home. School and activities, kept me busy. They gave me people whom I could spend time with and not get hurt by. I was not open, so I made no really intimate friends. I'm thankful for the friends I did have though, they were great. Especially, Amy, Theresa, Lindsey and Helen my senior year. With out them I probably wouldn't have made it through high school. On my eighteenth birthday, I was afraid I might be kicked out so I made arrangements with Theresa to stay with her parents if I was since they ran a home for single mothers. Sorry, not a fun post, but it gets better in a good way. So hold on.
3) As for the lost years, they were the dark years. And yes you did miss them for good or bad. We all changed alot in those years. Alot of us came out of them with scars, but we are growing from what we learned and we are no longer silent. So most importantly we have changed into better people, and in the end I think a better family. This is still an on going process but isn't everything.
4) It was good getting to know you at Beloit College. I was actually worried about going there, because I wasn't sure if you wanted me there. It wasn't until you said is was okay, that I felt I should go. It was a good year, and seeing you again this year was good too. Things happened between us, some not so nice, but that was long ago. It's nice now to remember the fun times at Beloit, like Christmas caroling, it made me remember the Jeremy who would invent games for us to play as kids, who tried to teach us Spanish in our basement, who I jumped up and down with on a bunk bed pretending we were going down the river in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." I like those memories.
5) I'm a history major to the core. As a historian, I like looking back at things and fliping them over in my head. What comes out of this is that irony really does rule the world. I was invisible, but at the same time what made me invisible also made me a target. As visiable and vocal as I was as a child I changed into being invisiable and silent. I wanted to escape home, but when things went really bad that was where I was and where I needed to be. I never had much of a relationship with Mom growing up, but as a grown up we now have a very close relationship. Dad, whom I spent some much time trailing after, is the one family member I have the most complicated relationship with(you'd think it would be Josh). You say, I received less of Dad's wrath, but it was me who had to step up to Dad when his wrath was injustly applied to others. Something, I should have done more off.
I have regrets from my childhood. Sometimes I wish I had done more for Josh. If I had spoken to him more, given him more attention, been a sister maybe he wouldn't be where he is today. But, I didn't I ran away, to school, to activities, to college. I was so hurt by what he had done, that I couldn't forgive him and I couldn't be there when I should have been. I probably should have been there more for Paul too, who was so silent in his suffering and still is. I wish I could say I've been a good sister, but the thing about being the only sister is you are both the good sister and the bad sister by default.
Here's the silver lining. I love my family. As much crap that has happened, in a way it needed to happen. We are much better for it, because we have chosen not to remain silent any more, not to be distant, not to run away(well as much). I miss my family so much. I can't wait to see my Mom, and hug her. I can't wait to bug Lee. I can't wait to sit down with Paul and see what he is doing(since he doesn't e-mail). Unfortunatly, I won't be able to see Jeremy and Jenevieve before they go, but I'm glad they are going to see Mom and the rest of the family.
And the rest of the family are my friends who I am eternally grateful for and miss too. That's the great thing about being adopted, family isn't blood it people who have been with you during the shitty time and the good times. So, thanks family. I love you all!!!!
I'm twenty seven. I've hated life. I love life. I've cried through part of this and I'm happy, because I am blessed. But don't think I'm satisfied. ; ) I still want more!!
Have a good day.
posted by PolskaMando | 11:31 PM
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