When I wasn't stupid.

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Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

I’d like to take a moment on this beautiful Sunday morning to explain why I do stupid things. And just off the bat I would like to thank my friends and family for accepting the stupid things I do, accept me, and for occasionally taking the mickey out on me for them(it‘s good for me). ; )

I’ve been thinking a lot more than what’s good for me lately, with all of the free time that comes with unemployment. People keep saying that it’s great and a really big thing that I moved to Korea for a year. Not really. Korea was good in some ways, because I learned a lot which I will hopefully remember. But in all honesty looking back on it, I’m such a chicken shit.

I did go to learn about Korea and to have new experiences, but really part of me was running away. I felt I need a change and like most people instead of making the internal changes I really needed I instead choose to change an external factor because it was easier. Thus I took the easy way out. The thing is the problems didn’t vanish, but instead I carried them with me to Korea.

I do stupid things. Why? My stupidity is rooted in two main issues my lack of trust and my lack of faith(in some ways in one thing).

I’ve always had issues trusting other people. It’s why I’m not always friendly to new people. Or why I don’t date most men. I just don’t trust them, I don’t see why I should. After I get to know someone then I tend to trust them whole heartedly. I think the implicit trust gets me into more trouble than not trusting people since I’ve had many people break that trust, in very painful ways leaving open wounds. Thus, because of that I don’t trust people.

My lack of trust in people is part of why I don’t have faith. It’s hard to trust everything will be alright when you can’t even trust people, when you can’t even trust your friends(this does not apply to any of the current ones). I don’t have faith that people aren’t going to hurt me. In fact I know they will hurt me, it’s part of loving people. I hurt when they hurt. It’s why I take time to warm up to people and guys, sometimes eons.

So I have trust and faith issues that are the root of why I do stupid things often, here’s the kicker it isn’t them it’s me. Unfortunately I am not stupid enough to not realize it’s all my own goddamn fault. ; ) (It’s a good thing I can laugh at myself.)

The problem really isn’t trusting other people or having faith, it’s having trust and faith in myself. I could give the reasons why(and there are reasons why), or make excuses, or dodge the bullet, but why? The sum result is I don’t trust my own decisions. I don’t trust myself not to do something stupid, meaning I’m always second guessing and questioning things. And I don’t have faith in myself, in my actions, and in my decisions. You see I ran away from these problems, but they were waiting for me when I got back(resilient buggers). I thought Korea was going to be a year of peace of getting away from everything, from where I wasn’t going, to men, to everything. But even halfway around the world you can still make stupid decisions. Part of me went to find out about this whole Korean part of me, of the orphan, the baby someone didn’t want.

I guess that is the third issue I’m still dealing with, being wanted. And once again, I have to want myself, to like myself. I hate compliments. I really do, especially from men. Because I feel like they are saying it to get something they want or that they aren’t really complimenting me since I had nothing to do with the way genetics made me look.(Sorry, mini-rant)

I hate internal crap, it’s so stupid. And so am I. This isn’t meant to be a self-pitying rant, if it sounds that way I’m sorry. This is more like me standing up in a group meeting and saying “Hi, my name is Kate. I’m an idiot who has trust, faith and self-confidence issues.” Admitting you’re stupid is the first step in making yourself better. : ) So here’s to admitting my stupidity. And thank you all of putting up with it so admirably. Love you guys.