A Women's Wish List

1. Command Time: Thus I would be able to fast forward through the winter doldrums and St. Valentine's day(one of the evil-est day of the year for singles).

2. Lose Weight: I don't think this needs an explanation.

3. Telaporter: Then I could visit any one, any where.

4. Debt Free: With no debt I would be free to do so much more.

5. Hot Sugar Daddy with No Strings: I would say a real man, but they seem to be rather thin on the ground or at least in Chicago.

A while

I have grown wearing of burying feelings and thoughts as quickly as they were born. Aborting them before they have even the potential to cause trouble, heartache and regrets. Nothing stays buried even with cement shoes and 50lbs iron weights. Dead bodies float, get dug up, the evidence remains. Specters shadow your steps through life since they are parasites feeding off of your heart which never forgets. Your past isn’t marked by what you remember, which is a lie, but rather the state of your heart.

My heart is not in bad shape but neither is it in good shape. Like very thing else in the world the two guiding principles are in affect, irony and relativity. My heart if I had to describe the state of my heart it is not a trusting heart. There is little else I could say with certainty other than that my heart is not a trusting heart. It is sad the strongest description is a negative one. If only I could have written that mine is a warm heart, an open heart, a big heart, a caring heart, a forgiving heart, a merciful heart. Any of these would have been a more welcome description than an untrusting heart. But it is a true reflection of my past and of who I am.

But as I write this I feel like I am making excuses. I do not want to do that. And although I feel I do have reasons behind why my heart bears these scars, I also understand that I have for too long let my scars dictate my choices and thus my future. So, as always I form a new wish and dream and set out again.

To Beginnings

Entertaining. It is odd what people find entertaining. Everyone has different tastes; to each their own. What I find entertaining is entertaining. Or at least I enjoy entertaining. This weekend was a weekend in many ways of beginnings. A baby girl who will one day be an amazing women was born and I had my first dinner party. In magnitude the birth far out ways the concocting a dinner of pastas and desserts. But since I was not there for the birth, I will have to resort to writing about my own beginning and why it was so important to me.

Last year when I was far away from everyone. I dreamed of cooking for people. Of getting my family together and cooking a meal and just talking. This thanksgiving half fulfilled that wish, by having all the family that could be there, there to celebrate. It was a great evening which reinforced the correctness of my choice to move back to Chicago so I could be close to them.

Another one of my dreams was to have friends over and cook for them, to sit around enjoying good food and great conversation. This wish was half fulfilled last night. I did get to cook for people, maybe not my friends but my roommates friends all the same I truly enjoyed it. I invited a few people from work, who were kind enough to show up and seemed to enjoy themselves. I appreciated that. My roommates friends were very gracious in their praise and enjoyment. I cooked nothing fancy. At the same time, people really seemed to enjoy it. It wasn’t because I am a especially good cook but it’s because people don’t cook very much anymore. People don’t get the opportunity to in our busy world, so they don’t get the enjoyment, the simple enjoyment of creating some thing good. A at work couldn’t believe that what I wanted to do on my day off was to cook for people, he found it odd and maybe it is. There’s the thing, I don’t just enjoy making food, I enjoy sharing food. There is something good about sharing ones food. By saying, come eat, have a good time, enjoy your friends, this is life.

Bit by bit I move forward. Last night was good. Hopefully, it will not be a singular event, but the beginning of a tradition of dinner parties filled with good food, great people and fullness. To my little beginning.

Happy Birth Day.

Yeah for Zoe.
Today my friends had their first baby.
So, here’s to new beginnings and being an auntie.
Congrats, proud parents.

So Not Excited

I should have felt well anything different then how I felt. I should have been upset, not mildly amused and happy. Tonight I was supposed to me a guy for coffee after work. On my way down to Intelligentsia I thought about how this was probably doomed since the guys name is one I equate with trouble(and not in the good way). Walking down Broadway past used bookstores and clothing stores I thought about dating. I haven’t done much dating. Honestly any teenager has probably gone on more dates than I have. I counted(these are one date or more):
M
Z
J
B
E
A
M
L
I think that’s it. How many is that? Eight. Wow. Now guys that I didn’t tech. date but had weird undefined things with are (A might fall under that too):
E
M
J
Three more brings us to 11. Wow. So the idea is this year to date more men the I have dated or a had something with in my entire life. As in one date or coffee or whatever a month. At the least it will be good practice. Well at least that is what Xee would tell me. I am going to listen to her and date more. Am I excited about this? Honestly not really. I was not upset when I got stood up tonight, in all honesty I was kind of relieved. Just as a contrast. Guy friends:
R
J
J
Z
A
M
W
M
Eight. Umm, yeah. With kind of guy friends.
B
N
M
Hmm, so yeah same number. Odd. Okay, now me plus guy I like that equals stupidity and craziness. No wonder I was happy to be stood up. As Xee says I got trust issues, amongst other things. It really is no wonder that out of my friends I am still single. And, right now okay with that. But if that man of my dreams shows up, well then all bets are off. The happiest stood up person ever.

I'd like to feed you.

I love Chicago. I like New York, I like Seattle, but I love Chicago. If I decided where I should live based on where my friends live, Chicago would not be high on the list. Heck, Ames Iowa would actually beat it out. I moved to Chicago because I love Chicago. And I’m crazy. In addition I like challenges, while in other ways I also don’t like failing. You maybe wonder where I am going with all of this. I actually do have a point. How does failure and Chicago relate? Before I left Chicago for Korea, I failed to make new friends. I moved to Chicago with a group of friends and when they left I was pretty much alone in Chicago. During that year, I failed to make any new friends. My friends that were around the Midwest were awesome in trying and going out of their way to visit me when they could, for which I am very grateful. It still does not make up for the fact I failed.

One of the things I would like to work on this year is making new friends. This is not an easy task, especially for me. I’ve never really made friends easily for various reasons. Part of my failure is due to my trust issues(ever perennial), lack of confidence, self-consciousness, oddness, and being afraid(I can‘t quite claim shyness). All issues I need to work on except the oddness; I think that is incurable. I want to make Chicago my home, thus I want to make a home with friends. It sounds so easy but how do you find friends with like interests and such? It takes time and not coming off like a crazy person in part.

Part of my “blog”(a.k.a. rant/drivel) stems from a desire. I enjoy cooking for people. I like it when people eat my food. Lately this itch to cook has been growing. I want to cook for people. Here’s the crook, I don’t really have people to cook for because I still haven’t made any new friends. I have people at work I enjoy talking to at work but I am unsure about trying to make it just a more than work thing. So the question becomes who can I invite? Who should I invite? Should I even try? Yes. I should. So wish me luck.

Never mind, my dinner party just became my roomies boyfriend’s belated b-day party.

Happy New Years, no really.

Sorry, I just realized my previous post was a poor reflection on how good my new years was. It was not morose but quite awesome. I got to spend it with great friends and their significant others(actually quite significant).

If you think we are oddly dressed blame it on the 80's(this is was supposed to have a flickr picture but it's being a #$%&* right now, so click over and you can see pictures from New Years. More will be posted later.). Yes, that is right we went to an 80's party at the Cobra Lounge. What made it great was spending it with good friends. The dj was a sad Flock of Seagull's wearing man, who could have been well replaced with an I Love the 80's cd, some Depeche Mode, Joy Division, etc best of cds. The Cobra Lounge did get points for a good staff, nice decor(totally not a dive bar), a good group of people but not to crowded.
So I rang in the new year not with a kiss(which was my choice) but with hugs from friends. A great way to ring it in. So here's to a new year. A year of friends and good things.

Echoes from after midnight: Conversations

Romantic.

I am supposed to be the romantic one, which just proves how contrary I can be. When some one argues for romanticism and I end up waging the battle for pragmatism; obviously something has altered in the universe. Or maybe it’s a sign of things changing which is good. Part of me would like to be romantic, but I’ve wasted too much of my life on vain hopes and dreams. All that happens is me ending up looking like a crazy fool. Neither of which are things I enjoy being. So, a little less of that in the coming year would be a good thing.

Trust.

Yes, I have trust issues. Everyone who knows me pretty much knows I have trust issues. Especially with the opposites sex in conjunction with relationships. It should be something I should work on. Do I feel like working on them? Not really. I have those issues for many reasons, and to be honest I am not motivated enough to work on them(i.e. lonely or interested). So the trust issues are going to lie at the bottom of the list.

Friends.

Awesome. I am looking forward to seeing my friends as much as possible as well as trying to make new ones. Lots of good things are happening in the next year or so for them and I am happy that I will get to be a part of those things. Thank goodness for good friends and good things happening for them.

Dream/Hope . . . I don’t know. I’ll just have to wait and see.