Dog Days

It’s the year of the dog. It’s already begun. The gift boxes of Spam and smelt have been given out. The kids have bowed and are now clutching fat purses of new year’s money to be spent in PC rooms and manga. What do I have to say about the year of the dog? Nothing, it’s just another year. It being a dog year just makes it more honest about itself. I feel like a dog waiting for dinner scraps, sitting patiently, watching people eat, while my tongue hangs out, I lick my chops waiting for something, anything. It’s a going to be a year of patience. I am not a patient person in some ways. So maybe that’s what I will work on this year, being patient. Or it may mean I’m just going to be a whiny bitch all year. : ) Ah, who cares? I think I’ll just go howl at the moon.

*Note: I just realized it's Feb. 1st. Feb. 1st is several peoples birthday, so "Happy Birthday."

Words

To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk pain.
To try is to risk failure,
But risk must be taken,
Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
--Leo Buscaglia

Irony

Irony is kicking my ass. Irony is a bitch. One day a friend of mine and I are going to chase her down and beat the shit out of the bitch goddess Irony. And it will be a day of much rejoicing. To long has she reigned and wrecked havoc in our lives, adding comedy and drama we could do with out. I’m probably scandalizing the good people who read this journal. Well, lest you’ve been deceived, I am not a good person I‘m a dreamer. What does this have to do with Irony, nothing. Irony is blind like Justice(who really isn’t blind, she peeks), but the balances tip between Comedy and Truth. Some days I wish I was stupider so that I wouldn’t see that I’ve been double teamed by my own choices(History/Past) and Irony(Comedy/Truth). You think I would have a sharper learning curb. That once burned by fire, I would know better. Well, Irony isn’t the only thing that is blind. I wish fear was blind, but it sees everything, and what is worse it feels everything and remembers all.

Meanderings

Night view of Han River
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

I hate when life gets stale, because than I go stale. Life was not stale this weekend. It was beautiful. There is beauty in catching a late night meal at a Mediterranean restaurant, drinking an unknown drink, while watching “Jaws” subtitled in Korean, and ending the meal watching friends dance with the workers of the restaurant. It’s in a businessman’s un-abashed joy of dancing with his wife, as children half their age dance searchingly for the one(or the one for the night). The children play, pretending, cheering, shining. But there is sadness too, as I watch men and women stand on the sidelines. For the children it is one night and every night into eternity. As it is also for the one’s who watch from the fringes, of life, of the dance floor, trying to fit in with timid moves but lapsing into blatant stares. They long to fit, to dance, to forget, to transform themselves for a moment in the frenzy and joy of dance. Hidden in the darkness, they wonder, they stare, looking for the secret of these magical creatures wanting to be one, or at least possessing one even if it’s only for a moment, a beat. Outsiders with their faces pressed to the window watching the Christmas toys dance perfectly. The flicker of the strobe breaks the darkness showing, bearing all for a second, before we lapse back into forgetful, lost darkness of youth. Later we laugh as we take online tests telling us when we will die, 84 is along why away. Loneliness and failure scares us more than death. As we stare out onto Seoul, framed by mountains and made of the twinkling of life’s lights going on and off as people live and dream,we think there is still so much to do. Wishes and wants fly about the room. Our dreams and hopes lay on our lips, wishes to be blown on the wind. We peal away the darkness, trying to discover ourselves while introducing the people we’d like to be to the people we don’t know. I stare out watching man’s stars and I fall in love with it all over again, the feeling of being at peace with being just a girl in a big world. A stranger in a strange world, still unknown, still full of hope and possibilities. Beauty, is my bittersweet pomegranate, I will eat my three seeds.

* I’m tired, it’s been a busy weekend(I haven‘t slept in my bed since Thursday night). I’m sorry if this is trite, sentimental crap(which it is). It's all I've got right now. I'm a shit of a writer, but sometimes feelings win out over sense. All I have is feelings, emotions, but then they are more important than what happened. I hope people are having a good weekend.

I hope you’ve had some beautiful moments.

ego_wins

ego_wins
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

I don’t really have anything to say right now. I do have several e-mails and a couple of letters I should write and get off. Will I? Not tonight. I don’t seem to have anything to give tonight. I’ve received some really nice e-mails from people. I love to hear how people are doing, or just a quick note to say hi. I don’t like losing people and getting the occasional e-mail means they aren’t lost, they’re still there, still part of my life. I recently got some Christmas presents that made my day. I found out officially an old college chum is going to be a father. Other friends are buying a house. Another friend is doing a step-a-thon for a friend’s daughter. And the sweetest e-mail I’ve gotten recently was from San Diego. I recently got a hand phone and sent out a massive e-mail to well just about everyone including a few people I was doubtful as to whether I should send it to but did anyways. The result was a very sweet e-mail from San Diego. If you family you are probably wondering who I know from San Diego. If you friends you are probably wondering likewise. The truth it’s from my ex-boyfriend’s grandmother. This grandma is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever meet. So it was good to receive an e-mail from her. She is basically what I would like to be when I’m a grandma. She’s great, with a kind and loving heart. Where I am I going with this? I have no idea. It’s just nice that’s all. Oh, and I miss my cat because he’s the best. I love it when I get e-mails from him, I've gotten two. So Ego keep up the good work. Hey, he plays computer games and watches tv so he can e-mail too.

Wanderlust

I want to wander the streets alone. There is something incredibly exhilarating and freeing about walking the streets of an unknown city. No one knows you, you know no one, it's just you and and unknown world waiting to be discovered and no bonds exist, just pure freedom. Not here though, here it's been done. The street no longer seem strange. No adventure seems to hide around the bend. I do not know this land, but it is familiar enough to breed passiveness. It is no longer a new land, full of possibilities. Not because it is without possibilities, but because my imagination lacks the will to transform, to pretend. My mind is no longer curious, it is sated with it's limited and paltry knowledge, or more truthfully it's rash assumptions. My curiosity is not tickled and the monkey in my brain is asleep. Where does my wander lust dream of walking? It dreams of the days when it can wander the streets of Hong Kong, of Tokyo, and Kyoto. My time there will be short. Long enough to fall in love, and short enough not to grow bored, so they will remain perfect in their briefness. At the same time I long for familiar streets and haunts. I long for streets I call home, but will I return to them? I don't know.

I'm not wildly happy, but I'm good. In fact, I'm pretty good. Sometimes it may not seem so from my blogs, but I am very content. I'm looking forward to my remaining time in Korea. Korea, hasn't been easy, but it's been good for me and will probably continue to be good to me. I'm looking forward to seeing more of Korea when the weather gets better. At the same time I don't want to stay more than a year, because I have other things to do. I have other dreams. Moreover I'm looking forward to doing some traveling outside of Korea too. It's very exciting, getting to start research into Kyoto, Tokyo, and Hong Kong. I'm also thinking about the future, what I want to do when I get back to the States. Most importantly where I will end up settling. Will I choose home or a new adventure? Either way there will be challenges. The first is deciding what I want. Isn't that always the question. And it's a trick question, because just because you want something doesn't mean you'll get it or, that you should even get it. All I know is I'm going to make it a good year.
: )

Wishes and light

Lantern for Buddha's Birthday
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

There are nights for sleeping and tonight is not one of those nights. Some nights sleep seems like a waste of time. Tonight dreams are just another hamster on a wheel. Rather than waste my time doing what I should be doing I doodle way, indulge in watching one of my favorite movies(Bleu), while sipping coffee. Aside from the wandering feelings in my head the caffine alone should keep me up till the early hours of the night. The restless feeling is back again. Like a cat in a cage, I'm pacing. Waiting. Always waiting. Now I wait for september, for freedom and new adventures. Isn't this an adventure? Why isn't it enough? Yet, why I am I such a rush to go home? As usually I want everything. But that's okay.

So here I sit listening to the wind whistle through the building, chilling plastic palm trees decked in cheap christmas light. Music, music everywhere. I search for something that says, "You need me. Buy me." I want music that moves. It has to have the momentum I lack, so I can take it with on my meaderings. I should start a new mix cd to keep me busy. I can't create, but at least I can slap together some music for my friends. Music and cats, it's all about music and cats. Back to finding more music. To sleepless nights.

Shiny

Shiny
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

Merry Christmas.
No, really Merry Christmas. Today was Christmas. The i-pod was a Christmas/Id gift to myself, which I got this weekend. But today, I received two Christmas packages. It was great. It was fun to open Christmas gifts. I got some great stuff today. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy. So thanks everybody.

Breakfast with pickles

Breakfast with pickles
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

It’s a good thing when you don’t sleep in your own bed for two nights in a row. No, I haven’t meet anyone. It just that the subway system closes down so early I end up crashing at people’s houses or having to go home a ten o’clock. So both last night and sat. night I ended up crashing at friends. It’s been a good weekend. Friday nights are lost night for me since I get done at nine o’clock. So the weekend starts sat. morning for me. What did I do this weekend? I got held hostage by a nice volunteer at a Buddhist temple. I watched anime. I bought an I-pod. I got to spend the night drinking good beer, talking, and watching more anime and Firefly. Crashed at Jennifer’s. I got back to Hwa-jeong and played with Kodama(I-pod). I head back into Seoul to meet up with Jasmine. We looked at phones. Headed to Myeongdong to look at clothing for Jasmine(Stella McCarthy makes sexy work out gear). Had coffee and talked. Headed back to Yongsan. Bought a red cell-phone(hand phone in Konglish), at Yongsan. Then we went back to Trump World, where Jasmine lives and spent the night talking and watching trashy tv. So it was a good weekend.

Brain isn't in today. Can I take a message?

So I lied about that funny work post. What should I post about in this new year? I can’t seem to get anything out right now. Probably because my brain has been eaten by my latest cold. Kids, full of germs. This is my third cold since I got here. Usually at the most I get sick once a year. I tend to get colds when I start new jobs, but these last two are just bonus ones. Lucky me. I wonder how many more colds I’ll catch this winter? Anyways, the brain is on vacation so this is going to be a random list.

Random bits about Korea:
1. At “big dinner” one may have to toast ones boss's love life(we did it twice).
2. There are at least 21 romantic holidays in Korea. My favorite is Black day when singles wear black and eat black food. It’s like my own holiday.
3. Everything comes with pickles. Pasta in cream sauce, with pickles. Breakfast sandwich, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and not again.
4. Never say salsa. Just trust me on this.
5. Koreans spend more on cigarettes and beauty products than they do on books.
6. Never talk about Japan.
7. Never talk down or criticize Korea or Koreans.
8. Korea’s public transit bugs me because it shuts down really early. I usually need to leave Seoul for Hwajeong by 10 p.m. or at 5 a.m. I live an hour outside of Seoul in suburbia. This will probably be the only time I ever live in suburbia until I have kids. I hate suburbia.
9. When one's co-worker leaves after a month, the party line is she got sick and then had to move away. Parents don't like change. Toe the party line.
10. My brain has died.

I hope you have all of your brains and that no cold or random herd of zombies have eaten them. Take care of your brains. Bye!

Neil Gaiman

From Neil Gaiman's journal:

May your 2002 be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in 2002, you surprise yourself.

And I hope you do.

Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite authors. He originally wrote if for 2002, but re-posted it because is still applied. It's a good wish, and hopefully a good prediction. I found it on a friends post and had to spread it to my friends and family. Well, I hope you do too.

Funny post about work later.

Moving On

Last year, well, was a mixed bag. Looking back there was some crap-tacular things. At the same time I had some great times too. Going to see Neil Gaiman with Ryan. Visiting Alison in New York for my birthday. Getting to party with Xee. Staying up late and just talking to Will. Or sitting up look out over Indy with Jesse. GenCon was great(but also a bit of a mixed bag). I’d rather not focus on the bad things, but rather learn from them. Alison was right last year was kind of a year of moving through things and issues. I learned a lot last year, which is why it was a good year if a hard year.

What did I learn last year? I learned what good friends I have. I also learned how to live again, to be myself. I discovered my passion for music(10 GB in four months). I learned how to accept. I learned to forgive. I learned more about what I really need and want. I learned not to pass up good things because I'm afraid of being hurt. I learned I need to work still on my trust issues. Nothing risked is nothing gained. I learned well, a lot or should I say I experienced a lot last year. Hopefully, I’ll put my experiences to good use.

So, this year is about moving on. I feel good about this year. I don’t know why? I hope you feel good about this year too. Here's to a kick ass new year! To dreams. ; )

Green Day "American Idiot" "Blvd of Broken Dreams"