Stranger in Her Native Land

There are stories I would like to tell and there are stories I can never tell. The rest is recorded below. My life, which lies between truth and fiction, is written here. Things are changing.

Name:
Location: Chicago, IL, United States

Can I feed you? :)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Kind of

Temporary reprieve.
Right now I have a temporary reprieve. I accepted a temporary two month position for an office position. It's something and it will give me more experience. It has the possibility of turning into a permanent position, but who knows. So, here's to a temporary reprieve. I forgot that Halloween is a magic time for employment. When I was living in the commune in Ukie Village, everyone got employed in time for the Halloween party. Look it's Halloween and there's a party.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

double buddha


PICT1138
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.
Taking a break from the resume and cover letter b.s. I've been organizing sets from my Thailand trip. Food and Buddha are up now. Food has descriptions and notes. Buddha doesn't even have titles, but there are some good pictures in there. I hope you take a look. There were a lot of pictures I posted, I thought this would make it easier for people to see what I saw in Thailand. I hope you guys enjoy them. Maybe one day I'll get to go back, but first Italia and Prague. Enjoy.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Incoming


Incoming
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.
Ah, id inspired indulgance.
Otherwise known as Seattle here I come, ready or not.
I'll let you know when but the ticket has been purchased.
Start the list of any baked goods you want now.
Or anything you want for Chi town.
Trouble is going west.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Paprika


Ego Baby
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.
Dreams. Hopes. Wishes. Desires.

I love Satoshi Kon. He does amazing things with anime and is one of the directors I can point to illustrate that anime is a valuable genre capable of doing amazing things. Last night I saw “Paprika” which was being showed as part of the Chicago International Film Festival(which I love). “Paprika” revolves around dreams, hopes, wishes, desires, and balance. Balance is a key issue here. Kon himself does a good job of balancing insight without getting too heavy. Nothing is really startlingly new or inventive, but rather playful and possess questions but not answers. It’s a movie that tickles your mind, while entertaining your senses. Overall, it’s interesting although the story is some what compacted and slightly crammed due to the fact it’s an adaptation of a novel. It doesn’t have the seamlessness of some of his other works, but is still very good. The “What the fuck?” aspect of his work wasn’t really there since I am used to him playing with his audience a great deal more than in this film. (I say, “What the fuck?” since that is the general reaction of people to his work.) If you haven’t seen his other work, do. “Millennium Actress” is still one of my favorite films. Amazing.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Aliens

I love me a man with a shotgun.

“I like to keep this handy for close encounters.”

Can you guess what movie that is from?

Yep. Aliens.

It’s Friday the Thirteen and I’m watching the Special Edition of Aliens while slugging back some beer and chowing down on some dumplings. Just what a girl needs after interviews and dead ends. As my brother said Aliens is a family favorite movie; god knows how many times we watched this movie.

Actually to be honest I had a bit of crush on Hicks. ; ) It’s not even that he’s really attractive in a physical sense. But yeah total hotness. He’s a strong guy, caring but secure enough to stand beside a strong women. Hotness.

Anyways, this movie began my love of movies with great supporting characters. I always thought that this movie developed all of it’s characters with in a short time, so that when they died you actually felt something rather than just loosing another red shirt. Also it’s a great Sci-fi movie with an intelligent female lead. Not like Resident Evil or Ultraviolet(which I haven’t seen). Ripley was a bad ass, even if she can‘t drive a tank well. She can drive a lift like a mother fucking pro. “Where do you want it?”

Love it.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Happy Cookies


Happy Cookies
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.
brav·er·y [bráyvəree, bráyvree]
great courage: extreme courage in the face of danger or difficulty, or an example of extreme courage

[Mid-16th century. From French braverie or Italian braveria , both ultimately from Italian bravo “bold” (source of English brave).]

des·per·a·tion [dèspə ráysh’n]
1. recklessness: recklessness brought on by great urgency and anxiety
2. hopelessness: a condition of being without hope

Encarta ® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2004 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

A year of desperation. A year of desperate acts, of foolish acts, of cowardly acts.
Now is the time for bravery(and I don’t mean the band).
I’m tired of being afraid; of fucking up my life because I am afraid.
I understand why I felt the way I did, but that’s no excuse.
I’m tired of past hurts and mistakes eating away at my future.
No more. I’m going to fall down. I’m going to get hurt, but that’s okay.
I am sorry for all the people though who have been affected by my choices.
I am thankful for all the people who have been there for me time and time again.

Love you guys.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

When I wasn't stupid.


punk_rock_baby copy
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.
I’d like to take a moment on this beautiful Sunday morning to explain why I do stupid things. And just off the bat I would like to thank my friends and family for accepting the stupid things I do, accept me, and for occasionally taking the mickey out on me for them(it‘s good for me). ; )

I’ve been thinking a lot more than what’s good for me lately, with all of the free time that comes with unemployment. People keep saying that it’s great and a really big thing that I moved to Korea for a year. Not really. Korea was good in some ways, because I learned a lot which I will hopefully remember. But in all honesty looking back on it, I’m such a chicken shit.

I did go to learn about Korea and to have new experiences, but really part of me was running away. I felt I need a change and like most people instead of making the internal changes I really needed I instead choose to change an external factor because it was easier. Thus I took the easy way out. The thing is the problems didn’t vanish, but instead I carried them with me to Korea.

I do stupid things. Why? My stupidity is rooted in two main issues my lack of trust and my lack of faith(in some ways in one thing).

I’ve always had issues trusting other people. It’s why I’m not always friendly to new people. Or why I don’t date most men. I just don’t trust them, I don’t see why I should. After I get to know someone then I tend to trust them whole heartedly. I think the implicit trust gets me into more trouble than not trusting people since I’ve had many people break that trust, in very painful ways leaving open wounds. Thus, because of that I don’t trust people.

My lack of trust in people is part of why I don’t have faith. It’s hard to trust everything will be alright when you can’t even trust people, when you can’t even trust your friends(this does not apply to any of the current ones). I don’t have faith that people aren’t going to hurt me. In fact I know they will hurt me, it’s part of loving people. I hurt when they hurt. It’s why I take time to warm up to people and guys, sometimes eons.

So I have trust and faith issues that are the root of why I do stupid things often, here’s the kicker it isn’t them it’s me. Unfortunately I am not stupid enough to not realize it’s all my own goddamn fault. ; ) (It’s a good thing I can laugh at myself.)

The problem really isn’t trusting other people or having faith, it’s having trust and faith in myself. I could give the reasons why(and there are reasons why), or make excuses, or dodge the bullet, but why? The sum result is I don’t trust my own decisions. I don’t trust myself not to do something stupid, meaning I’m always second guessing and questioning things. And I don’t have faith in myself, in my actions, and in my decisions. You see I ran away from these problems, but they were waiting for me when I got back(resilient buggers). I thought Korea was going to be a year of peace of getting away from everything, from where I wasn’t going, to men, to everything. But even halfway around the world you can still make stupid decisions. Part of me went to find out about this whole Korean part of me, of the orphan, the baby someone didn’t want.

I guess that is the third issue I’m still dealing with, being wanted. And once again, I have to want myself, to like myself. I hate compliments. I really do, especially from men. Because I feel like they are saying it to get something they want or that they aren’t really complimenting me since I had nothing to do with the way genetics made me look.(Sorry, mini-rant)

I hate internal crap, it’s so stupid. And so am I. This isn’t meant to be a self-pitying rant, if it sounds that way I’m sorry. This is more like me standing up in a group meeting and saying “Hi, my name is Kate. I’m an idiot who has trust, faith and self-confidence issues.” Admitting you’re stupid is the first step in making yourself better. : ) So here’s to admitting my stupidity. And thank you all of putting up with it so admirably. Love you guys.