BBC Pictures

Sometimes I don't feel like reading the news. Luckly, BBC has a great feature Pictures of the Day, or in this case Pictures of the Week. Often the pictures have more impact than any article. The pictures come from all over the world, and are of all different types. Click on the link. You'll see for yourself. Sometimes it's easy to dismiss words, but with pictures the reality, the pain, the joy of them can not be denied, can not be dismissed as human fabrication or exaggeration. They are real, of real people and events. This is our world in all it's variety. It's beautiful, so beautiful it hurts.

DNA

Personality DNA: Advocating Artist

Alison had the link to this on her page. These things are always interesting to take, if a fun sort of way. Alison and I tend to test closely in most cases. I think we shared the description of advocating. She is a creater, while I guess I'm an artist. You can click on the link to see my test results. Have fun.

Nails

My father sent me an interesting e-mail. It’s about nails. It’s the story of a boy who learns about feelings, actions and consequences. The father tells the boy to hammer a nail into the fence when he is angry, eventually he hammers in less nails, then for every day he keeps his temper he pulls out a nail. When all the nails are gone the father shows the boy a fence of holes.

Holes can never be fixed. They can be filled, they could be painted over, but they would still be there underneath. These holes are not only created by anger but by other feelings as well. Many of these holes are unconsciously made. Some holes are self inflicted, some are not. Some holes need to be made. Other holes you learn to love. It’s sad that there is so much pain in the world, and to know willingly or unwillingly we cause so much more pain. The pain, the greatest pain is not inflicted by strangers but the ones we love the most. That’s the scariest thing about love. You hurt the ones you love. (How f’n depressing. Sorry.) Maybe that’s why love is something you have to fight for, to work for. You have to give something to get something. The only thing you can give is yourself. Love is the only thing worth while.

Someone asked me if you think you’ve changed from the time you were five, or if you still have the same personality as when you were five. I don’t know. I don’t remember me at five. Maybe I haven’t changed as much as I would have liked. But something makes me smile at the image of me being 26, but really still being a round faced, smiley, bucktooth, coke-bottle wearing, pig-tailed girl in a frilly dress with her black “purt.” No, in lot of ways I haven’t changed. I ‘m still a every bit of a silly dreamer. I still laugh at everything(thank goodness).

Some things never change, and that’s a good thing. In the end, you learn to love the holes, because their your holes. You wouldn’t be you with out them.

P.S. I’m sorry for any holes.

St. Patty's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I love Saint Patrick's Day!
I'm missing it this year. Right now I'm craving corn beef.
I don't know why I love St. Patty's day?
Maybe it's because St. Patty's Day is a holiday I always celebrated with friends.
So, I hope everyone back home is having a good St. Patty's Day.
Cheers!

Lollapalooza

Thanks, I really needed that.
If you're in Chicago, for the love all that is good go to Lollapalooza.
I really enjoyed it last year.
My favorite group was Kaiser Chiefs for putting on a great, kick ass show.
Go because I can't.

Ides of March

Blue Demon
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

What should I do? How can I make my life the way I want it? It seems like it’s more and more about dealing with the shit life hands me. Unfortunately, I’m aware enough to know that most of the shit is the result of poor choices made on my part. You never know when what seems like a good idea turns out to be tomorrows major pain in the ass. And that is usually the case. I’m starting to think the bad decisions are really the right choices in hiding. Or at least that is what I would like to convince myself. Although some of my stupider choices have also fucked me over. Great, now I’m back to you’re just fucked. I have to say sometimes, it’s nice to be just plain fucked over. At least you know where you are and it’s all up hill from there. Maybe the problem is I should just stop dreaming. Sometimes, I feel like I should just give up. Go Buddhist, no desires. No hopes, no disappointments. Oh, let’s face it I would get bored. I don’t think I could stop dreaming. I wish I could some days. I don’t know what is worse, not knowing what you want or knowing what you want and not being able to have it. I think we’re back to fucked(or waiting). This is the year of waiting, not the year of the dog. One thing is for certain. Korea leaves me with way too much time to write rambling posts, which only really interest me. Venting, better than erupting. I’m tired. I think I’m starting to grow up(doesn’t that suck), because I’ve partially accepted the fact a) things will work out b)either way it’s not going to be like I expect it to be c) it doesn’t matter what I think or want. Faith is a bitch.

On a lighter note, Spiderman delivered pizza today to the school. No, really a man dressed as Spiderman delivered three sweet potato and ham pizzas for the teachers(yes I did say sweet potato, they like to put in on the pizzas). The deliver man was wearing a padded full body Spiderman costume and a motorcycle helmet. The kids got a kick out of him. And quite frankly I wish I had had my camera with me.

Also today was White Day, when guys give girls candy. It’s yet another made up commercial holiday. There is also the following made up holidays: Sandwich Day, Peppero Day, Movie Day, Rose Day, White day, Pork Day and Black Day.I know I’m missing some, but those are a few of them. Most of them are either based on food or relationships.

Current fav. song: The Delgados' "The Light Before We Land."

Relationships

I suck at relationships. Really, I’m no good at them. Maybe because I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with them(like most people do). I’d love to be in love, but at the same time I am terrified of being hurt. What is love but pain? Love is not the rosy thing told of in fairy tales. When I was girl, I think I thought of love as the answer to all my problems. I dreamed of a shining white knight who would come and rescue me from my life, making everything story book perfect. I think I loved the abstract not the concrete. Because when reality came knocking, I wasn’t about to open the door. I remember this guy asking me out. I thought he was joking. Needless to say, I didn’t go out with him or anyone else for a long time. Thus beginning the trend of thinking men were not interested in me, since what is there to be interested in.

I didn’t date in high school. There was one guy I had a crush on but it ended in a fiasco which cemented some (dis)trust issues. I didn’t really consider dating in high school. I didn’t think anyone was interested, nor was I really. I considered myself too different to date.Who would want to date me? I also didn’t want to get close to anyone. I think I was a bit of a closed door to my friends. I never let them in, which is why we’re probably not friends now. By high school I had already learned, that love meant pain. Loving, letting someone in meant that some one had the power to hurt you. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I wanted to be independent. I used to have a hard time asking people for help or even letting them in. I wanted to rely on no one.

I went to college, with no purpose beyond this was where I was supposed to be. I ended up not getting into relationships, but at the same time wanting to feel wanted. I was actually quite oblivious to guys(ask my friends). At the same time, I was still not letting people in. The person to get the closest was Xee. Because I didn’t let people in or me out, I ended up depressed, fell to pieces and got kicked out of college. I went home, which quite honestly was the last place I wanted to be. It turned out it was exactly where I need to be. The next two years were not the greatest of years for me, but I am glad I was home for them. After two years, I headed back to school, because that was where I wanted to be. I wasn’t the same girl. I ended up starting a long term relationship with a good guy. He was fucked from the beginning. I wasn’t used to letting some one in. It could be argued I never really did let him all the way in. He would say he never knew where he stood with me, or how I was feeling. To be honest, sometimes I didn’t know how I was feeling. It’s not like anyone ever had asked or cared before, about how I was feeling. I ended the relationship, which was the right thing to do. It wasn’t because I was afraid of getting hurt, but because it wasn’t working, it wasn’t what I needed.

I’m not sure what I need, but I know more and more what I feel I need. I learned to trust my friends even more after that. I have some great friends, who have been there for me these past years. I don’t know what I would do without them. At the same time, when it came to letting someone in, or more precisely the possibility of letting some one in, I got scared. The old wounds had surfaced, raw, and bleeding. So, instead of waiting of gangrene to set in, I cut off the limb. I ran to the woods for shelter. So, now I don’t want to be alone, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship. At the same time, that’s what I want. I want to find someone to let in. It’s probably not going to happen anytime soon. It isn’t going to be easy. I’ll probably still be scared witless(since I tend to be stupid about relationships). At the same time, I don’t want to travel through this world alone, so I‘ll bare the pain that comes with the joy and I‘ll open the door. Ah, if only it was that easy.

This blog was supposed to be about my adventures in Korea, but it’s turned into adventures in Kate. I guess this blog has become a medium for me to express how I’m feeling and thinking. Way too much time in suburbia. Sorry about this. Hopefully, the next post will be more Korea related.

Nones of March

Dinner at Dan's
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

Beware the Nones of March.
Not really. It’s just fun to title it the nones of March.
It’s better than another random bits.
So, March 7th.

Every morning I teach the KG’s kids. They were cute as kittens, with about the same attention span.
I felt like an activities director on a cruise, but with out the swimming pool(a swimming pool would be nice).

I went to the bank. The bank is interesting because it requires more stamps than one could imagine and there are no clearly defined lines. At least to me there are no lines. People take numbers but people ignore them all the time and just go up and start talking to the clerk(who is usually female). Men, especially older men, don’t tend to wait but just go up to a window. Most of the people waiting were older women. I think there is a line, but it’s a social line, or should I say social hierarchy. Old men, old women, middle aged men, middle aged women, etc. Maybe I’m being too general. But one of the most common questions I get from my students is “How old are you?” I never answer this, nor do I answer the “Do you have a boyfriend?” I love the little kids, because I tell them I’m a grandma. No concept of age. Oh, in Korea friends are girls or boys who are the same age as you. Also there are not a lot of girls who have guy friends(not boyfriends) or vice versa in Korea. It’s changing slowly. If the person is younger or older it becomes a “sister” or “brother”; which makes finding out how many sisters or brothers a kid has difficult. Confucius is still hanging on in Korea. Go Neo-Confucianism.

Other random bits, oh lately there have been a lot of food pictures. I was having dinner with a friend and some one said. “We’re so Korean. We’re taking pictures of food.” Which was really true. Koreans are picture crazy!!! And food plays a large role in Korean society. Food is not something one just eats. Eating out, just eating is a communal, social gathering. Some foreigners have commented on feeling weird about eating alone at Korean restaurants because they are the only one eating alone. I’ve gotten used to it for the most part, I take out my book and have done with it. I usually go to the same place so they have gotten used to me. Actually the girl recommended a new dish tonight, which was good.

Lately, I have been running into parents. The problem with running into parent is not being able to speak Korean to them. Although I feel even worse when someone asks me for help or directions and I can’t help them. I have that happen quiet a bit. I had one today ask, where I was from and then say, “You have a Korean face.” As, in you have a Korean face but you don’t speak Korean I'm confused. A nice man. I confuse people. Sorry. I confuse myself too. Oh, well. Some body need to be different. Koreans aren’t really into differences. But that is an entirely too long of a post(rant) for tonight.

I’m feeling nostalgic and silly, since I’m listening to the Pres. Of the United States. Peaches!! Need more music!! : )

Have you read the Bible?

Even in Korea there are Jehovah Witnesses. The only people who knock on my door are the gas lady and people who want to know if I've found Jesus.

"Do you know Jehovah Witnesses?"
"Yes, we have Jehovah Witnesses in America."
"Have you read the Bible?"
"Yes."
"Can I read to you."

That was a statement not a question. And the question is not "Have you read the Bible?" it's really "Have you read our bible?" "Have you found our God?" It's not about believing these days it's about subscribing to set doctrine and opinions. There is no middle ground these days it seems. It's us or them. So, it's not about what I believe it's about do you believe what I believe.

One of my favorite restaurants in Korea is Petras. It's Mediterranean. The guys who own it are really nice. I went here with a couple of friends for dinner the other night and we decided to bring a beer with since most places are byob. Just one to relax while we talked and ate. We had seen other people do it so, we knew it was okay. The guys had no problem with us drinking, at the same time I felt disrespectful. I don't think I'll bring alcohol there again. Maybe because Petras is such a homey place, I felt I was being disrespectful to them in the their home by drinking. At the same time, I realized how much I still don't know about Islam. That's some thing I need to change.

So, here's my odd religious rant. Now, I'm going to watch anime. Bye, peps.

Say Banana!

Wake up
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

What do I want to say? Let’s go with what I can say.

Today, I showed children how to make the light go on. I showed them by linking two batteries to one light bulb you can make a brighter light. I turned off the lights, to further accentuate the brightness of their little light bulb. They loved it. Positive and negative, it’s the only way the light goes on.

Thomas the Tomato finally got his first perfect test. Punk. ; )

My guys(class of boys) shouted repeatedly, “I love America,” in class today. I told them in America summer vacation is three months and there is no homework. They were very excited about that(even during vacation they have homework and often go to extra intensive schools).

The other day I explained to a class why feminists hate Hello Kitty. I hate Hello Kitty. I've never liked this cute kitten with no mouth, and until recently no last name. I went to a great exhibit in New York at the Japanese Institue(?), about popular culture in Japan after WWII. It was amazing. They had a section on Hello Kitty. It was in the same room as the reaction back from ultra-nationalism to cutzy-nationalism and paintings of anemic,adolesent, bunny girls doing not bunny like things to do. I see Hello Kitty as a representation of Asians' silent, doll girls. But, this is something I'll post about latter.

It’s nice to have job where you end up laughing through most of the day. That may have a little bit to do with the fact I find many things funny. I have to say there is something about laughing with children. The children are the best part about Korea. If it wasn’t for the kids, I probably would have already been on a plane back home months ago. At the same time, I don’t think I’m going to be a teacher. I think it’s a possibility but I want to work in a library when I get back. We’ll see. Who knows?

Not much to say. I’ve been spending more time mulling over things. Waiting.

*This class has split and now totals twenty kids. They maybe my favorite class. There is no class I don't like.

first:Owen(gone, don't know why.)
second: Chris, Thomas the tomato, Peter, Michael
third: Sally, Johnny(who now smiles, participates and also got a perfect), Angella, Lynn(lost her today), Kelly, Marissa, and Jeremy.