Tree Lanterns 14

Tree Lanterns 14
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

Had a great day. Went to the Buddha's birthday celebrations with some friends. Had some great Sri Lankan food and took a ton of pictures.
I'm dead tired, so I'll write about it later. Go check out the pictures on Flickr. I hope people are good.
If you only have a little time, just click on the tree lanterns set.
: )

Need to work on my aim

Need to work on my aim
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

Irony:
Irony whips me like the bitch I am.
One day, I’d like to bite back.

Why does Irony rule? Here are some ironies:

I’ve always had a ton of guy friends, but a serious deficient in boyfriends.
I’d like a boyfriend, but seriously I am retarded when it comes to relationships.
I’m slightly with out direction in my life, and I rarely get physically lost.
I’ve always wanted to go to Korea. I’m starting to count the weeks till I leave.
I wanted to learn Korean. I haven’t learned any.
I have no sense of grammar and I’m teaching English.
I want to be there from my friends and family, and I live halfway around the world.

Those are just a few my sleep deprived, caffeine jump started mind can come up with.
I’m sure there are more ironies, it’s just my mind is fuzzy like a peach right now. I’m just wonder what life has in store for me next. It won’t be what I expect, that’s for sure. Who knows? Maybe that’s the fun part. Maybe that’s the biggest irony, and the best thing. Irony has a way of sucking and making you laugh at yourself all at the same time. It’s like my Mom always said, “Life is hard and then you die.” She would always open my door sing that at me when I was sulking (teenage years) and it always pissed me off. But, I wouldn’t be sulking anymore, I‘d get pissed and go do something. If I couldn’t laugh at my own stupidity, I just wouldn’t be me. God bless laughter and a good sense of humor. Life is hard and then you die. ; )

(This was supposed to be about cats. Maybe next time.)

Cast Out All Witches and Devils.

Three Alley Pub
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

If only it were that easy.
But they really like it here.

I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I should throw up a random post.

Things are good. I'm taking a short trip to Gyenggi-do with some friends next weekend. I bought a Lonely Planet travel book for Japan. I'm starting to plot my trip. I'm really looking forward to it. The kids are great as usual. The weather is nice. The cold/cough/whatever the frick this is, and I have reached an truce for the moment. I'm starting to think about Sept. More pointedly, what the plan(or lack of a plan)there is. So, lots of things and nothing at the same time. I hope people are good. That's all from the Korea front.

Blossoms in Hongdae

Blossoms in Hongdae
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

From Chapter One of "Lady Chatterly's Lover", by D.H. Lawerence:

Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We've got to live; no matter how many skies are fallen.

I always liked that passage.

Happy Easter!

Birthday

So Tommy
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

Today was a birthday celebration. Only when you’re that young do you enjoy getting older. Enjoy it while it lasts kids. At six, birthdays are all about having fun, being celebrated, being showered with presents, seeing the flashes go off as people snap pictures, and running around on a sugar rush. The kids had a great day. It was everything a birthday celebration day should be; classes were canceled, gifts rained down on them, they ran around, used a teacher as a jungle gym, and ate pizza and cake until they threw up and then ran around some more. I’m twenty years older then them and today I was feeling my age.

In all the birthday hullabaloo one kid didn’t make it to the party, his name is Jonny and he’s in none of the pictures. As they were being snapped he lurked in the hallway or sought refugee in the classroom. Nothing we could do would get him to come join the party. As I stood getting my picture taken with the rest of Duke, I watched Jonny dodge from one door to another refusing to come down the hallway as I motioned, beckoning him to join his classmates. Why? Because he was upset he lost a sticker. How do you explain to a kid in a second language that it’s okay? That loosing a sticker isn’t the end of the world. But to a kid who is normally praised for doing well, who has never gone to school before these last two months, and who doesn’t get scolded at home it really was the end of the world. I found it funny growing up that adults seemed to forget what it was like to be a kid. As kid, I thought I wouldn’t be like that, I would remember what it was like to be kid. Standing there, trying to figure out how to best handle the situation it hit me I had forgotten what it was like to be a kid.

Kids are amazing. I really love working with kids. I’m not positive I am a good teacher, but I definitely enjoy working with kids. I never know what is going to happen. I love their raw, exuberant energy. They’re characters. It’s one of the few times in their life they are unaware of social pressures. They get to be themselves, un-judged and free. They all have such distinctive personalities, and some odd personality quarks that are unforgettable. They’re great.

Another thing that is make me feel older is that some of my friends are having kids. This last week or so I found out an old high school friend is married and just had a baby. While another college friend just had a baby girl. It seems strange. I couldn’t imagine having a kid right now, but then again I’m not in a position to have one. Well, everything in it’s time and place. Right now I’m just enjoying being an old spinster who gets to spend her days teaching kids, “A, a, apple.” The nice thing about getting older is realizing how precious it all is and knowing loosing a sticker isn’t the end of the world.

Monkey toes and Punk Rock Hair

punk_rock_baby copy
Originally uploaded by punk_rock_baby.

Today is my Arrival Day. Some twenty six years ago I arrived in America. Now some twenty six years later I sit in Korea pondering things. In a way it feels like I’ve come full circle, or that I have completed a cycle. I find life utterly ironic. So, I find the symbolism around today also very ironic. Irony bites(literally). Why is the end of this cycle ironic?

Ever since I arrived in Korea the perennial question is “Do you speak Korean?” and when I say “No.“, the question is then, “Why not?” which is followed with, “I’m adopted.” and the comes, ”Are you going to find your mother?” All natural questions. The answer to the question is, “No.” Why? I’m here, right why not find her. Because some times people don’t want to be found. I’m not going to actively search for her. I am thinking of writing her a letter and seeing if I can leave it in my file(where ever that is) and if she comes looking for me then she could contact me. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. How can I put this? As much as it sucked at times, as much as it’s hurt, as much as I wonder, it was the right decision.

So, I sit here and write a first draft to a woman I may never know but to whom I owe so much. To my Mother(or at least one of them).

Dear Mother:

Hello. My name is Kate Pan Soon X. I was born Kim Pan Soon. I don’t believe you named me, but that was my birth name for nine months of my life until I became Kate X. For nine months of my life you bore me, you gave me life, and by giving me up you gave me a better life. I would like to thank you for giving me this life. I do not know the circumstances of my conception, but I can imagine that your situation was not an easy one. Nor do I know what circumstances and reasons weighed into your decision to give me up for adoption. I would just like to say you made the right choice. As I’ve learned sometime the right choice is the hard choice. It is a choice that affected both of our lives. I hope you have never regretted your choice and your life has been a full one. As a result of your choice I was gifted with a wonderful family and I’ve been blessed with a life full of opportunities.

I should probably tell you a little about my life. . .(bio. omited) My family and friends are great and I miss them very much. I’ve been blessed with many caring people who have enriched my life while shaping who I am today. In a way I have you to thank for them.

I am writing this letter on April 11th 2006 twenty six years after arriving in America. I am currently working in Korea, just outside of Seoul. I came to Korea to find out more about Korea and Korean culture. It has been an interesting experience for me, a learning and growing experience. Being in Korea made me consider if I should try and find you. In the end I decided that I shouldn’t. Why? Because, I didn’t know if you wanted to found. So instead I am writing this letter to be placed in my file in case you ever decide to come looking for me. I want you to know I’m doing well as a result of your choice. If you would ever like to contact me, please feel free to. I would love to get to know you and find out how you are doing. I am enclosing my contact information in case you would like to contact me. Once again I would like to say thank you. I hope your life has been blessed as mine has. Best wishes.

Sincerely,
Kate X

As I write this letter I realize that I’m a liar. Part of the reason I don’t want to find my mother, is I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t want to find a mother who doesn’t want me again. Who chooses not to have me in her life. Who chooses not to want me. I can understand why she made her choice, but at the same time it hurts. So, part of the reason is I’m also a coward. There are some things I would like to say in this letter that are neither appropriate or just. As a child, I would wonder why didn’t she love me? If only life were that simple. I no longer wonder what my life would be like if I had been kept by her. I would make a poor Korean woman, and if she had kept me I wouldn't be me. And I rather like being me(even if I’m a bit of a fuck up at times). Her decision was the right one; I know that now.

It’s late and I’m sick so I’m not totally sure I am making sense. I’m not sure what I am trying to say right now. I’m tired. Maybe what I’m trying to convey is the fact that life is wonderful and we should be thankful, even for the pain because the pain is part of us, if forms who we are like a chisel carving marble. Being adopted hasn’t been easy(although to be honest not being adopted has been difficult for others). Like everyone, adopted or not, there were days when I screamed in pain wishing for another life; dreaming of what it would be like to be someone else, anyone else to escape the pain. But the pain made me. Her choice hurt me, but in all truth it was a self inflicted wound. We never do some much damage as we do to ourselves. Or at least that is what we like to believe. Hopefully at the end of all of this time we call a life it will all even out, that the pain we inflict is equaled with the love we give. That would be wonderful. Look at the funny baby picture. And smile. Laugh if you can.

Much love and best wishes,
Kate